I’ve never been a very private person. Even when Mister and I were dating, keeping it from my friends at work was very difficult (though some had already guessed it to be true long before we actual were) and evenutally it just kind of became the Missus and Mister Show and we stopped trying to leave work out of separate doors, sit at different tables and lunch and ignore one another during the day. I lost my focus when I started dating the Mister, this I fully admit, but there was a lot of things going on behind the scenes that I just couldn’t talk about. It is sad, really, because talking about those things probably would have made life a lot easier for me.
I’m like that now, too, in ways. There are always things going on, things that individually really aren’t all that bad, but when you put them one on top of another one, the tower eventually falls down.
I think the thing is, I don’t cope very well. I mean I do, but I don’t. I help other people cope with their stuff, but when it comes to my stuff – my individual stuff – well, I don’t cope. Sometimes I trick my mind into thinking it is going to be alright. I tell myself the pros and the cons and try to make myself believe that the pros far outweigh the cons, despite how it is impacting my emotional health. I tell myself to put on my big girl panties and stop being such a wimp.
I think a whole lot of not coping has gotten the best of me. What a rotten time for it to happen, too! We are in the middle of carnival season, the Saints are going to the Superbowl and this year has proven to be our rebuilding year – family, finances, important things in life. I can feel myself completely disconnecting, withdrawing and retreating into my own little bubble – my happy place – where I can lose myself in my thoughts, a good book or a camp out on my bed with my daughter.
Both the Mister and I are taking conscious steps to make things better and to remember, concentrate on and appreciate the little things. One night, we decided we look too far into the future and don’t have a chance to be content with right now. We want more of that. I am proud of us for being able to make that kind of committment to one another and to our families. It is a committment that couldn’t have happened two years ago. It is one that probably couldn’t have happened a year ago. It can and is happening now and that is a good thing. This really is our year to rebuild without distraction, chaos or distrubances by people who aren’t apart of us.
I just need to learn to cope.
I am taking the next week to do some decompressing, take care of my health and do some decompressing again. Maybe this is where it will come out, the silence allowing me to think an feel and cry or scream or yell or jump - depending on which emotion I am feeling when. Or maybe this is where I will find something else to distract me, a cause to fight for because I just seem to be unable to fight for myself. I can fight for those things I believe in. I can fight for those people closest to me. I can fight for things I think are inhumane or wrong.
When it comes to me, though, it’s a bit of a different story.
Or maybe none of this will happen and I will just enjoy a new environment and change of scenary for a few days.
I have learned, though, it is not really coping if your way of coping with it is to not cope with it.
Maybe one of these days I’ll finally get it. I hope. I hope.